Probably Not Going To Hell

This weekend I taught a two-year-old to blow out a battery-powered candle. Absolute comedy gold. Then I gave him my phone and he took 42 selfies of just one side of his face. Kid's going to be a genius. Cows say "moo", sheep say "baa", Baby Brother says "waaaaaa" and Daddy says "sausage". So there. Now you know.

So, erm, the rest of this week's rambling is a bit heavy and a bit wedding-based. I've broken it up as best I can with photographs of squirrels, but it's still about God and sexuality. Here's a link to a comic I quite like (only for the grown-ups) if you'd rather have something different to read instead. This oughta get it out of my system, and I'll endeavour not to mention it next week.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you a small rant about how sometimes girls marry girls and the world is still turning. 

This getting written tonight so that I can put it down in writing, then close the computer and stop going on about it. Some time next year I'm going to marry L, who will then be my Wife. And I will be her Wife. Simples. Thank you and thank you again to all of you who were congratulatory and excited for us. We had hoped that it wouldn't be the case (or at least if it was that they'd keep quiet about it) but there was always a good chance that we'd come up against some opposition. And there is. Some disquiet from a couple of people around us about how we'd quite like to get married, and they'd quite like us not to, on account of neither of us being a bloke.

My Grannie was a big fan of the old "If you can't say something nice, shut up" phrase. I gave her far too many opportunities to use it, no doubt. It's something I try and remember, often about ten minutes after I've said something I shouldn't have. Sometimes "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" just leads to a lot of awkward silences.

This is where I struggle with not being a nice enough person. It's not possible to say "get over it and stop being such a big old meanie" nicely. Or sensitively. So I have to try and work out what I would say if I was not such a cow. I wrote all of this nonsense on Sunday, and have been attempting to soften it ever since. All the penises have gone, for starters*. 

#1 We're not that important, but this is important to us. 

In the grand scheme of things we are two tiny people, doing a thing that affects absolutely no-one else. I'm the only one who has gone and promised to marry L, and vice versa. The result of us getting married is that we'll wind up married. Even if I wanted to, I'm not about to bring about the downfall of civilisation. The flip side of that coin is that it's my freakin' wedding and my freakin' marriage, so please understand if I get a bit sensitive about it. 

#2 You are important to us. 

I appreciate that your faith and your spiritual struggles are important. Just, maybe I/we might not be the best person/people to help you work them out right now. There are probably more impartial people out there. Go for a nice long walk and remember that thing Jesus said about loving everyone. Remember that bit where he didn't list all of the possible exceptions where you don't have to bother.

We will still want you to be there whether or not you totally "approve" or not. 

#3 We're human beings, and we really quite like you.  

Feel free to remember that you actually quite like us too, the lines in your 'love the sinner hate the sin' seem to have run in the wash. We will make one hell of an effort to stick around and still love you in spite of the aforementioned differences of opinion. Please take us not disappearing from your life as a big ol' sign that we're rather fond of you even so.
  #3.1 'Love the sinner, hate the sin' is bull.  It's not in any Bible anywhere and it's just plain mean. The Christian equivalent of, "I'm not racist but...". 

#4 There are 4 degree certificates between us in this house. 

We're not idiots. Not all the time anyway. We're Christians, who are about to wind up in a same-sex marriage. A marriage, you could call it. Believe us when we say that we have done the reading, and the theologising, and the praying, and all that jazz. In our Bible God is a good guy, love is a good thing, and everyone gets an equal shot at being happy. 

#5 We're going to be civil-married. By the state**. 

Even if we take the view that we can't be certain What Jesus Would Do, he ain't involved in the paperwork. 

#6 Then...

...Once we've been Legally Wifed, we'll head up to our Church, our own Church, where every Sunday we belt out ancient hymns at half the recommended tempo and I only really pay attention to the children's address, and our Minister will ask God to bless that legal thing we just did. Accompanied by as many of our friends and family as we can persuade to be there. Ask. There's your word. Ask. We will ask God if He'll be so kind to bless us, and our relationship, our little family, and our crazy decision to love each other for the rest of our darn lives. It's up to Him whether or not he does that actual blessing and bestowing of grace and happiness and fluffy happy wooshies. We ask nicely, He decides. We'd love it if you'd join us for the asking nicely bit. And if you're standing there praying, "Dear God, would you mind not blessing these people because I think they're probably terrible heathens" then (1) God help you, and (2) you'll be outnumbered, but (3) we respect your right to pray that, just don't tell us that you did.

#7 If you are married, you don't get to tell other people that they can't be. 

Or rather, you're being damn cruel if you do. It's like saying, "Hey, there's this awesome thing that I've got here. It's pretty damn good. Oh, you want one too? Well, no, you can't have one." Because some lovely people passed a lovely law last year, and now I'm not a second-class citizen any more. Please afford me the privilege that you've always had.

#8 Your children are impressionable, their sexuality is not. 

Being in the same room as a gay person will not make them turn out gay. Understanding that sometimes girls marry girls and boys marry boys will not make them turn out gay. Their sexuality will be whatever it will be regardless of everything you do to convince them to be straight. Either your kids are straight and cis-gendered and will turn out to be the next generation of closed-minded idiots, or they are not, and you are doing irreparable damage to them.

#9 I'm not broken. 

Okay, I might be a bit odd, but I am not to be fixed. We cannot "do better" so please stop being disappointed for us. We have each found the perfect person for all that forever&always mushy soppy stuff. The odds are crazy. There is nothing in this situation/relationship to be disappointed about.

#10 I've never asked you about your sex life. 

I never will, I'm British. I blush and hide when sex is even mentioned. Please never ask again.

#11 There'll be free food.

And free alcohol (and yes, free non-alcohol) and we won't make you dance if you really don't want to. No, scrub that, we'll probably make you dance. You never know, it might be fun.

*I've replaced every reference to "nuts" with a picture of a squirrel. You're welcome.
**The Church will catch up one day, I repeat over and over to myself.